who knew that Big Feels Can come from a simple statement that so many overlook in the moment?!?
So, let's get real. I am uncomfortable talking about my journey with Hidradenitis Suppurativa, it's a disease that so many don't understand and the number one question I get is "Is it contagious". No, I'm not a walking petri dish folks, you can't catch it if you breathe the same air as me. I am uncomfortable telling people no, I literally have to hype myself up before I do it and there is a good chance I end up with hives after (Seriously, Chronic hives and dermatographia aren't for the weak. Yay, for biweekly biologics lol). I am uncomfortable telling my family and friends what I REALLY think/need/want. I'm a stress and frustration crier (thanks hormones), so the times I do have these conversations I end up in tears. I am uncomfortable going against the grain MOST of the time and I am uncomfortable stating out loud "Yep, I have multiple mental health issues that I take meds to help with. Y'all, I promise I'm not a walking medical case study haha.
However, Emmanuel Acho was correct when he said "Everything great is birthed through discomfort ".
If I continue living my life so afraid of being uncomfortable, then nothing changes and I remain an anxiety-filled hot mess hotel. If so many Caucasian people are afraid of being uncomfortable, people of color will continue to be marginalized and overlooked, but that in itself is a conversation for another time.
So why does this statement hit home so much with me?
I think, and I could be wrong haha, it hits home because over the last few weeks, I have been having this internal battle with a laundry list of things. I have battled with wanting to become stronger in my faith again, as well as becoming more vocal about what I need in my life. I battle with the thought of letting go of certain people in my life and learning when to let others in. Most importantly, I have battled with loving myself the way I deserve to be loved.
Now look, I love my husband, I would jump in front of a rabid tiger for that man, but more often than not (over the last few years) I would agree to something just to keep the peace. Don't get me wrong, there isn't much that he and I disagree on but I still have never wanted to rock the boat. That last sentence in itself probably describes most of my life in general.
Why is that?
Well, my dear family and friends, I have abandonment issues. Yes, the inner child of 35-year-old me has abandonment issues and is afraid that I'm going to end up alone and in a hoarder's house with a million cats. Y'all, I am NOT a cat person either so that would just be a miserable existence. And no matter how many times my dear, sweet, amazing, supportive husband assures me of the fact that he is here to stay, a part of me is still awaiting that other shoe to drop. So much so, that I have hidden from him the actual amount of daily (physical) pain I am in so that I don't become a "burden" to him.
How crazy is that?!?! Yes, we have since talked about it and yes, my doctors are working on solutions, but the fact that I was afraid to tell my partner, my forever best friend what was truly going on with me speaks volumes for me.
"Everything great is birthed out of discomfort"
So yes, we had a LONG and uncomfortable, tear-filled, conversation about so many things. We talked about where we wanted to go, what we needed from each other, what our fears were, etc etc...and you know what happened? I felt lighter. It really is/was that simple. My husband is, and always has been, my biggest cheerleader in life. He encourages me, he supports me, and he loves me.
So....
My goal for myself over the next few months is to get uncomfortable. I NEED to tell the people closest to me what I need/want and if they can't handle it, then well they were never in my corner to begin with. So, grab a chair...maybe some popcorn too...because this next chapter of life is about getting uncomfortable so I can reach every great thing that is waiting for me.
